What's Been Happenin'

So what has been happening with my life..
Let's break it down into:
+ Skye
+ Tut
+ My Board Exam
+ Hai..

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+Skye+
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*Going four months..
The first USD was more than a month ago.. saying "hi momma! i'm 10 weeks old!" and i haven't had Skye checked after that.. and i have not had myself checked at all. I read my Maternal and Child Nursing books early this afternoon. That made me rethinking on reading further.
My ever pregnant friends told me not to use this and that.. basically the "kikay" stuffs like facial wash, toner, and other appliques,( and yes, even if it was expensive, Jazz!) but I wouldn't listen. i have a crazy break-out and I Don't want to look ugly, specially now that I'm single and am hunting for Skye's dad-to-be.
That, until I read the book. it was a different book because it was the "IT" book for Skye. The other books I read, I read only because it was more illustrative, and basically no reading occurred. I liked it showing how Skye looks now. Until I read that book.
Another helpful friend sent me a file on alcohol and pregnancy, because I asked if he could accompany me for a "quick" drinking session..
Need less to say, I am not allowed
- to put any topical whats-its unless they are alcohol free (no facial wash/scrub/toner/moisturizer, etc.) because it can result to CNS damage.

- alcohol because it can cause fetal alcohol syndrome, or something like it.. (my kid will be a drunkard even before she/he is born.)
[I can.. somehow.. live with that]
- caffeine/soda/Chocolates because it may contribute to Low Birth Weight.
[darn this.. me loves coffee!!!]
- tight clothings because it can cause deformities and candidiasis..
[supah down side: i don't have enough clothes anymore..]
*Braxton-Hicks Sign present
yeah! I feel the kicks and bloating.. basta yan..
*basically still hidden from the ever judging people that surround me.
it's better that way.. magulo ang mundo..

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+Tut
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Well.. he has been the food of my head for the past month.. and no.. we have not done anythign significant for the green-minded.. we do intellectual stuffs.. like crazy early morning or late night talks and debates..
As much as I want him.. I don't.. and everyone i know who understands me and tut's history would say it is impossible that we are just.. erm.. for lack of better word.. FRIENDS.
I met an old friend of ours last saturday at a food joint. I was with a date who I just met because he was the new guy in a group of friends I forgot I had. since he lives near where I live, they designated him as my buddy to go home with. When everybody was on a vehicle to go home and we where left alone together, I quickly made "para" a taxi so we could go home na. But he said.. "coffee muna tayo?!" ..grrr.. me and my weakness for coffee.. free coffee in this case.. so I said "tara! libre ka ha!" "O! bah!" and off we went to that food joint.. that makasalanang food joint for B. .. are you still with me.. this guy is not tut, let's call him tutut.. hehehe..
So tutut and me sat drinking the nth cup of coffee we could muster, when old friend of me and tut walked by and said..
"Monica Sara Arguillas!, payata na nimo oi!"
OO na! payat na ako.. [i'm like skin and bones with nice set of boobs and a slutty hairdo..] I introduced tutut to old-friend and he asked if he's my bf.. i said
"NO"
of course.. as if it was a signal for him.. he went and pinched my cheeks with both his big hands, just like he did when we used to hang out together.. I went and said
"Aray! ganyan din ginawa ni other-old-friend sa akin last sat.. kayo ba! kapayat ko na.. la na kayo makurot pagpilitan nyo parin!"
"nagkikita pa pala kayo?!"
"yup! last sat nga.. kasam c tut and (other old friends)"
"ah! si tut! musta na kayo? nag-evolve kayo? last time nakita ko kayo.. aw..
(he stopped to look at tutut who had a very interested face as if waiting for the word running thru his head to be blurted out by "old friend"..)
.. sayang, bagay panaman kayo, wag ka paloko kay Jazz, di yan inosente!" in a louder volume.
...
Tut on the other hand was texting me on my other number, which I left at home because I wasn't expecting anything.
msgs were:
"san ka. cofi?"
"ei. @ blugre. habol."
"bhay ka. bango ng cofi."
"sarap ng cofi."
all i read when i arrived home well after 4am.. not much of a loss anyway.. kung iisipin mo yung coffee.. 4 ata yung cups ng coffee naubos ko.
and yes, me and tutut are friends lang din. he's too.. erm.. me.. the sad me..
tut on the other hand is the green me.
so i choose the latter.

a better friend in "deed"?!
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+My Board Exam
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74.20%
test I = 79%
test II = 69%
test III = 69%
test IV = 74%
test V = 80%

yang test 2 & 3.. i figured they'd be the lowest.. what with Hai..'s text message, dissing and cussing at me.. when i looked into my SMS during break after test 1.. and come to think of it, it was test 3 when I, so pissed about the message, got stuck on a question for 10 minutes or more and when I realized i was "tanga" I shook myself and said "FUCK" in the middle of the board exam room.. hehehe.. so it was a fail..
ang test 5 naman.. i was thinking bagsak din.. i was like *shit.. i didn't study this.. or *WTF! ano ito? .. i guess it I was lucky i had a lot of trust in bersabe that's why i had better scores in it.. THANKS SIR RUELLE!

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+Hai..
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hai.. he's.. erm.. back? ..

I'm Happier..

i'm startin' to really dig my life right now..

really..

JOB
i'm passed a job interview wherein i was thinking like a big turn down would be on my way.
i was super nervous and i realized halfway during the interview that i was way over my head thinking i'd get the job because i was doing all sorts of mistakes.
it's as if the my little devil was talking to me saying.. "yeah, you're failing this. you can't pass everything jazz. i told you, over confidence is very sad." and really.. i was arguing with him half the time too. i need this job and i did my best and you can't let one turn down bring you down. they just didn't see what's underneath the.. erm.. morbidity..
then skye did something real nice.. really.. i think skye's a girl.. but i'll not say no to a boy either.. but skye did something with my hormones.. i think.. i was happy, though nervous during the interview.. i loved how i felt.. i wasn't as confident as i thought i would be.. but i think i smiled.. it was a weird feeling.. YES, WEIRD! I DON'T SMILE MUCH THIS DAYS.. i smiled.. wow! i was less panicky or negative.. it was like..

"momma, we need this.. i want you to be happy. today isn't a real nice day for us, but we can't let today bring us down. what would mommy B. say.. she's gonna say you went all morbid again and tell you you're not thinking about me again."

maybe i've been talking to myself too much.. but that day was sperm.donor's birthday.. i was thinking i'll be sad.. but hey! it went all good. it was the best sad day i've ever had.. i never really believe anyone who i talk to on the phone who tell me my voice was nice and pleasing to hear.. or when people say i talk good english or sh*t like that.. but when Mr.Ecky said "you're voice is very nice and pleasing and you're intonation is perfect." i was like.. THANKS! that was all i could say.. AND BOY DID THAT FEEL AND SOUND REAL GOOD!

that's a big bite to those who've been thinking i'm stupid and all talk! grrr you!

FRIENDS
i'm never really good in keeping friends.. i tend to trust to much and that always breaks my heart.. so i trash them just like they did to me.. and i'm left with a very few.. very few but very pressure.. i think i have a great bunch of them that i don't need to look for any anymore.

a simple "MUSTA?!" does suffice.. it's a big big something for a girl like me.. i found out that the ones that i never really thought could understand me were the ones who really did..
that's how i found B. .. (kaw) .. and yes.. she does make me cry an awful lot.. but it's not painful tears.. it's love tears.. a lot of them have sprouted this few months.. because i have had time to spend time with them..

because i always thought "if they are real friends.. kahit di ko cla bgyan ng tym.. ndyan yan.." it's true.. always.. anjan.. but it feels better na kasi we can actually have talks.. not just B. but the other crazy few.. Matet for instance is one of them.. and fLiNcH.. d yan mawawala..hehehe

LIFE PER SE
when you think sad.. you become sad.
i do that often..
and dumating din yung time na..
"kakahiya kanaman.. lagi ka nalang damsel in distress.. PATHETIC!"
i didn't want that..
and that came from me..
i told myself that..
kasi narealize ko.. ako lang naman nagpapahirap sa sarili ko..
i've bee very hard on myself..
LIFE IS UNFAIR.. BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT LOOK GOOD!!

i'm still pessimistic.. because i have a good reason for it..
but i'll just be a happy pessimistic person..
and i'm the first person who puts me down.. and i won't let that happen.. much.. if i could help it..

LOVE
i love skye..
i think skye doesn't like coke..
i'm the coke girl sa amin magkakapatid.. sa amin magbarkada..
pero i have been not liking coke these days..
it's gross..
even a sip, i couldn't take.
i'm more on water nowadays, and i guess it's best that way.
because even though i still don't eat much because i'm getting uber-picky on my food intake.. (i'm picky even without skye) atleast i'm hydrated and my skin shows it.. my wounds (i'm still clumsy) heal quicker.. and my skin is smoother.. darn.. i'm starting to think evul thoughts again..
i usually have smoother skin post-sumthing.. hahaha..

HATE
boys are crap..
atleast skye's father is..
and B.'s bogart is..

why do hot, intelligent, good, and honest women end up with guys like that?!

according to one of our professors.. Women tend to end up with men like that because women love to fix things.. it's a psychological thing..

my bogart bugged me again..

Bogart: Musta ang Bata?!
Me: Sino toh?! (i've)
Bogart: lloyd

(really?)

Me: aw.
and he keeps on asking..
Me: why are you asking?
Bogart: bakit bawal?
Me: (didn't reply.. it is sort of his thing to do this and leave me hanging.. so for a change i'd like to leave him hanging..


grrr.. boys..

She's gone flipside!!!

She's done it again..

B. , as i am to refer to my dear best friend who's been very pre-occupied with her life, may have had her brains flipped..

i talked.. if you call texting a talk.. to her about the things that happened the other day..
about how i did "it" again.. and "it" is something seriously.. uhm.. unbecoming of me..

i don't know if she's just psyching me so i would shut up and make me do what i have to do.. focus and stuffs related to "focusing" or if she's telling me the truth..

what ever she said did a lot of shaking with this messed up brain i own..
she said "love ka man nya. pero di lang sya ready for skye."
and i hate that she said that cause it feels like a false insurance..
and i do have this thing that when somebody tells me something it won't go out of my head.. even if i want it to.. specially if it's from people i care about.. and yes.. i do know how to care..
i so care for her.. and i respect her advices.. argh! and what she said twisted my world even more..

she was always the person against it.. and now.. she's gone flipside..
she's told me all the possible actions from best to last..
so that i can get my mind off the crap i've been bothering myself with..

but it wouldn't be bothering me if it's crap right?! ugh!


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i promised myself not to do this type of blogs..

if you can't kill the one you want..

morbid day..

hah!
i guess that's the reason i didn't get the job i had for my first choice..
Janeli kept warning me.. "Don't be morbid." or "Liven up."
but i.. am.. morbid..
that morbid i guess..

i never really thought about it until she said that..
until i asked her how she can say that about me..

she went on to explain..
every single topic we talk about would end up morbid because of me..
i am pessimistic.. and so is she..
but i am not goth.. or atleast that's what i understand about the goths..

i haven't loss my faith in life.. that it can be beautiful..
maybe i just don't think about beauty that much nowadays..
don't ask why.. that's a very long story..
i don't get it.. really..
i didn't go on yapping about death during the interview..
it did take a lot of control though..
maybe it showed nonverbally..
grrr...

now i'm beginning to think..
have my blogs been morbid?!
i went to check.. HAH!!

and guess what..
it's not morbid..
it's just angry..

i get the feeling i just dug a whole for me to be buried in..


i'm in the library of my dad's house..
they're watching CSI: Las Vegas
my back's against the tv so i'm not really watchin'

if you can't kill the one you want.. kill the one you're with..

that's the first line that caught my attention..
and that made me feel worst..

i forgot i got my skye..
and i fear she's/he's gonna go morbid as the momma..
specially cause i've been very angry and depressed lately..

it's sad to know though..
that the only thing i can think of to relieve me of this dark mess..

is something i know i can't have..
but i still wish to have..

it's just that "G. pa rin ako." thing..

i feel so helpless about..
and that explains this thing i think..

really..

this is a love letter..
hahaha..

i have to go home..
skye's doing something weird again..