I'm Happier..

i'm startin' to really dig my life right now..

really..

JOB
i'm passed a job interview wherein i was thinking like a big turn down would be on my way.
i was super nervous and i realized halfway during the interview that i was way over my head thinking i'd get the job because i was doing all sorts of mistakes.
it's as if the my little devil was talking to me saying.. "yeah, you're failing this. you can't pass everything jazz. i told you, over confidence is very sad." and really.. i was arguing with him half the time too. i need this job and i did my best and you can't let one turn down bring you down. they just didn't see what's underneath the.. erm.. morbidity..
then skye did something real nice.. really.. i think skye's a girl.. but i'll not say no to a boy either.. but skye did something with my hormones.. i think.. i was happy, though nervous during the interview.. i loved how i felt.. i wasn't as confident as i thought i would be.. but i think i smiled.. it was a weird feeling.. YES, WEIRD! I DON'T SMILE MUCH THIS DAYS.. i smiled.. wow! i was less panicky or negative.. it was like..

"momma, we need this.. i want you to be happy. today isn't a real nice day for us, but we can't let today bring us down. what would mommy B. say.. she's gonna say you went all morbid again and tell you you're not thinking about me again."

maybe i've been talking to myself too much.. but that day was sperm.donor's birthday.. i was thinking i'll be sad.. but hey! it went all good. it was the best sad day i've ever had.. i never really believe anyone who i talk to on the phone who tell me my voice was nice and pleasing to hear.. or when people say i talk good english or sh*t like that.. but when Mr.Ecky said "you're voice is very nice and pleasing and you're intonation is perfect." i was like.. THANKS! that was all i could say.. AND BOY DID THAT FEEL AND SOUND REAL GOOD!

that's a big bite to those who've been thinking i'm stupid and all talk! grrr you!

FRIENDS
i'm never really good in keeping friends.. i tend to trust to much and that always breaks my heart.. so i trash them just like they did to me.. and i'm left with a very few.. very few but very pressure.. i think i have a great bunch of them that i don't need to look for any anymore.

a simple "MUSTA?!" does suffice.. it's a big big something for a girl like me.. i found out that the ones that i never really thought could understand me were the ones who really did..
that's how i found B. .. (kaw) .. and yes.. she does make me cry an awful lot.. but it's not painful tears.. it's love tears.. a lot of them have sprouted this few months.. because i have had time to spend time with them..

because i always thought "if they are real friends.. kahit di ko cla bgyan ng tym.. ndyan yan.." it's true.. always.. anjan.. but it feels better na kasi we can actually have talks.. not just B. but the other crazy few.. Matet for instance is one of them.. and fLiNcH.. d yan mawawala..hehehe

LIFE PER SE
when you think sad.. you become sad.
i do that often..
and dumating din yung time na..
"kakahiya kanaman.. lagi ka nalang damsel in distress.. PATHETIC!"
i didn't want that..
and that came from me..
i told myself that..
kasi narealize ko.. ako lang naman nagpapahirap sa sarili ko..
i've bee very hard on myself..
LIFE IS UNFAIR.. BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT LOOK GOOD!!

i'm still pessimistic.. because i have a good reason for it..
but i'll just be a happy pessimistic person..
and i'm the first person who puts me down.. and i won't let that happen.. much.. if i could help it..

LOVE
i love skye..
i think skye doesn't like coke..
i'm the coke girl sa amin magkakapatid.. sa amin magbarkada..
pero i have been not liking coke these days..
it's gross..
even a sip, i couldn't take.
i'm more on water nowadays, and i guess it's best that way.
because even though i still don't eat much because i'm getting uber-picky on my food intake.. (i'm picky even without skye) atleast i'm hydrated and my skin shows it.. my wounds (i'm still clumsy) heal quicker.. and my skin is smoother.. darn.. i'm starting to think evul thoughts again..
i usually have smoother skin post-sumthing.. hahaha..

HATE
boys are crap..
atleast skye's father is..
and B.'s bogart is..

why do hot, intelligent, good, and honest women end up with guys like that?!

according to one of our professors.. Women tend to end up with men like that because women love to fix things.. it's a psychological thing..

my bogart bugged me again..

Bogart: Musta ang Bata?!
Me: Sino toh?! (i've)
Bogart: lloyd

(really?)

Me: aw.
and he keeps on asking..
Me: why are you asking?
Bogart: bakit bawal?
Me: (didn't reply.. it is sort of his thing to do this and leave me hanging.. so for a change i'd like to leave him hanging..


grrr.. boys..

I JUST HAVE TO SCREAM THIS!

xet. tangna! lahat ng available at d available na mura..

ang pagsisisi nasa huli..

masarap magrecreate ng scene..

lalo na kung possibleng mangyari pa ulit..

bakit pa kasi..

the signs were showing..

at sinasampal ako ng sangkatutak..

pero ano?!

anong ginawa ko..

leche flan!

sarap siguro kung hinayaang mangyari yun..

saya..

argh!!!

YUn na yun Jazz..

sa sunod.. wag na pa humble..

argh!! at argh pa ng ilang milyong ulit..

badtrip talaga..

nagpaka.anghel ka pa!

wah!

ngayon..

ang susunod na kabanata.. matagal pa..

mga.. tingnan natin.. ilang linggo pa..

maganda na at hanggang muntik..

magpigil ka.. ng konte..

masaya namang isiping maari pang mangyari ulit yun diba?!

sa sususunod..

ipakita mo na ngang demonyo ka..

alam naman nya diba?!

hahaha

--------------

ang list ng mga taong nakakaintindi..

B.

Kyang

Genie

Bem

f.Lhey

f.Cai

f.Myat

f.Pyat

flinch na lang..

Kat

Tet?

at xempre .. kay "tut"

isang nakakatauwang yugto sa mundo kong magulo..

it's basically true..

about me..

Existing Situation
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives her into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.

Got These From this Site

unsent

tama na.. ok?

why the sudden urge to bother me again?!

figure your sh*t out..

i know you have a girlfriend.. kaw pa!

tinolerate ko when you went around f*cking everyone else..

i don't do your thing dear..

i'm getting tired of all your threats..

i can't go out with my friends.. is that what you want?!

i can't put my bestfriends life in danger i'm not that stupid.. i need her and i think i love her more than i love you know.. with what your doing.. and i hope you know that she's not mean like you think she is!

don't go threatening all my friends!

What?! i can't go out and party?!

when you go out and party and do god knows what.. kahit nga d ka nagpaparty..

i've got your sh*t figured out..

all this years.. kilala kita..

and you know i do..

Tang.Na!

stop giving me crap!!

kahit ano kita ka mahal..
i will not tolerate your issues anymore..

bakit?! nung nakikita kita may iba.. do i go and attack your "MAHAL"..
i'm not gonna stoop down to your level..

tama na damage mo oi!

magpakasaya ka na dyan.. let me be..

dun ka sa kanila.. alam ko madami sila..




oo mahal kita..
ako mahal mo ba?!

ang mga taong ganyan hindi pinagaaksayahan ng eksplenasyon

this was a blog from the other blogsite.. closed na toh na account.. kainis.. pinaalala pa kasi ni joots.. NOV.2006 ang date.. di ko maintindihan kung maiiyak ako or mahihiya.. pero sarap maalala kung gano ako katagal naging tanga.. tanga nga ba akong maitututuring.. dahil.. MAHAL na MAHAL ang bigas?! hanggang ngaun.. mahal parin.. pero iba na ang panahon.. di na muna dapat iniisip.. dapat ng ibaling ang atensyon.. dahil ang mga taong ganyan.. hindi pinagaaksayahan ng ekspresyon ng pagmamahal.. yan ang paulit-ulit kong sinsabi sa sarili kong hibang! mahirap magmahal ng taong sa iyo ay walang paki.alam..

http://360.yahoo.com/flinch_jazz

ETO NA..

puchang buhay... pano ka naman magiging msaya kng yung pinaka importanteng tao sa buhay ai.. hinahayaang mahalin cya ng iba.. tapos.. akala mo.. mahal ka nyang talga.. basta.. si raul oh!!

sabi pa nya ala daw yung halaga.. pero syempre di kapanipaniwala.

kitang-kita ng mata.. ang mga pinanggagawa nila..

mahal ka ba nyang talga?

pano ka maniniwala.. halata naman diba...

mahal mo sya..

mahal ka nya..

mahal sya ng iba...

na mahal din nya..

sino bang talga.

daya nyang talga.

pero dahil sabi nya ikaw lang ang talgang mahal nya...

laro lang ang isa..

sabi mo.. "kausapin mo sya at sabihin mo na ako ang mas mahalaga"

sabi pa nya.. "yaw ko masaktan cya, don't think about it muna"

>pucha.. ako? naiisip mo bah? nasasaktan din naman ako ah..

alam ba nya na may syota ka? bakit ang landi nya?

> uhm.. hindi.. hindi napagusapan.. *pagalit na sinabi nya

> eh.. ogag ka pala.. kya pala.. hinyaan mo lang rin cya?

> malayo naman cya.. walang masamang magagawa.. at.. ikumpara mo nga sarili mo sa kanya... ang pangit nya..

> pangit nga.. pinapatulan mo naman.. bkit kailangn mo ba sya?

> kahit kailan hindi ako nahumaling sa kanya.

> kng ganon nga.. ba't may pahalik halik kayo at may pa= i love you pa cya?

> hindi naman talaga halik yun ah.. at nakita mo ba akong nag I LOVE YOU sa kanya?

> ala.. cnu ba namang tanga ang magpapakita.

> ako.. alam mo namang tanga ako diba? kaw na din may sabi nun..

>may tanga bang alam na tanga cya?

> tama na nga... alam mo namang ikaw lang ang mahal ko diba?? wag mo nang atubilin sarili mo sa kanya.. sasabihin ko na sa kanya..

> sabihin mo sa harap ko.

> bakit naman.. pinapahirapan mo ako..

> bakit mahal mo bah sya?

> kaibigan lang tinggin ko sa kanya..

> bkit di mo magawa?

>nakakailang kaya!

> sabihin mo sa kanya.

> sasabihin ko nga..

>kelan pa?

> ndi aabot ng isang linngo..

> sabihin mo.

> opo. mahal ko.

pano toh.. ala pa rin eh.. nagpadala pa naman ng regalo ang isa.. mga bagay na di mo maibigay sa kanya.. lalong naudlot.. at mas mauudlot pa.. dahil parang makikipagkita na sya sa kanya..

iwan mo sya??

nu bah dapat na gawin??

sagutin nyo ha!

She's gone flipside!!!

She's done it again..

B. , as i am to refer to my dear best friend who's been very pre-occupied with her life, may have had her brains flipped..

i talked.. if you call texting a talk.. to her about the things that happened the other day..
about how i did "it" again.. and "it" is something seriously.. uhm.. unbecoming of me..

i don't know if she's just psyching me so i would shut up and make me do what i have to do.. focus and stuffs related to "focusing" or if she's telling me the truth..

what ever she said did a lot of shaking with this messed up brain i own..
she said "love ka man nya. pero di lang sya ready for skye."
and i hate that she said that cause it feels like a false insurance..
and i do have this thing that when somebody tells me something it won't go out of my head.. even if i want it to.. specially if it's from people i care about.. and yes.. i do know how to care..
i so care for her.. and i respect her advices.. argh! and what she said twisted my world even more..

she was always the person against it.. and now.. she's gone flipside..
she's told me all the possible actions from best to last..
so that i can get my mind off the crap i've been bothering myself with..

but it wouldn't be bothering me if it's crap right?! ugh!


----------
i promised myself not to do this type of blogs..

if you can't kill the one you want..

morbid day..

hah!
i guess that's the reason i didn't get the job i had for my first choice..
Janeli kept warning me.. "Don't be morbid." or "Liven up."
but i.. am.. morbid..
that morbid i guess..

i never really thought about it until she said that..
until i asked her how she can say that about me..

she went on to explain..
every single topic we talk about would end up morbid because of me..
i am pessimistic.. and so is she..
but i am not goth.. or atleast that's what i understand about the goths..

i haven't loss my faith in life.. that it can be beautiful..
maybe i just don't think about beauty that much nowadays..
don't ask why.. that's a very long story..
i don't get it.. really..
i didn't go on yapping about death during the interview..
it did take a lot of control though..
maybe it showed nonverbally..
grrr...

now i'm beginning to think..
have my blogs been morbid?!
i went to check.. HAH!!

and guess what..
it's not morbid..
it's just angry..

i get the feeling i just dug a whole for me to be buried in..


i'm in the library of my dad's house..
they're watching CSI: Las Vegas
my back's against the tv so i'm not really watchin'

if you can't kill the one you want.. kill the one you're with..

that's the first line that caught my attention..
and that made me feel worst..

i forgot i got my skye..
and i fear she's/he's gonna go morbid as the momma..
specially cause i've been very angry and depressed lately..

it's sad to know though..
that the only thing i can think of to relieve me of this dark mess..

is something i know i can't have..
but i still wish to have..

it's just that "G. pa rin ako." thing..

i feel so helpless about..
and that explains this thing i think..

really..

this is a love letter..
hahaha..

i have to go home..
skye's doing something weird again..