Breaking Dawn.. Breaking Me..

My phone.. the ever trusty n6630, na i am satisfied with has failed me.. or mali lang talga ang application/s na ginagamit ko..

Operation Failed!
Not Enoough Memory

darn.. i hate seeing it..

i read Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse with no problems sa cp ko using an adobe pdf reader.. kaso.. and Breaking Dawn.. huhuhuhuhu.. yun.. errors!

ang anxiety ko!
grrr..

to add to it.. my elementary bestfriend did some telling a.k.a. spoilers that's making me itch even more to read it..

ala naman pc sa bahay..
ang laptop ng kapatid ko naman.. nasa apartment nya..
naiwan dahil na kalimutan or he conveniently left it there so that I won't be hugging is precious gadgetry.. hmpf..
but i shudder to think of the latter..
he did after all leave his lappy with me when i asked for it.. para magamit ko pang study sa b.xam last month..

why don't i have my lappy anyway?!
or better yet..
WHY DON't I HAVE MY WN S.MEYER BOOK SET?!!!

ah..
alang available na stock sa mga bookstore..
and i am overly depending on my not so dependable guy bestfriend on him giving me the book set for my christmas present..
kasi na sa US kapatid nya.. para sabay na sa package..
pero i have a feeling na he's not doing anything about the book thingie..
kakainis isipin..

i told him na yun na yung pampalit nya sa nawala nyang "almanac of the uncanny" book ko about paranormal itches.. na d ko pa natapos basa pero dahil nga mabait akong friend.. pinahiram ko muna kasi nga "IMO BITAW NI!" grrr.. and tat was what.. erm.. 6 years ago!
sana makonsensya siya! hehehehe

hanggang ngaun same error parin ang sinasabi ng cp ko..

grrr..

and i can't find an intelligent and direct soluion sa problem.. or siguro i'm just to anal about the solution.. andyan na cguro pero di ko lang ma.accept..

hahai..

something to forget the itch about

been away for a while now..

obviously a line from a song..

it's been.. what?.. 3 months since i last did my emo itches., and yes.. i still have a lot to be emo about.. specially because i'm feeling very shitty right now..

but.. i don't wanna talk about it just yet.. it'll just make me feel a whole lot shittier than i feel right now.. so i'm lookin' in a lighter and brighter direction..
(mi bb's got an overdose of cortisol already.)

Si Tut..
he came to the rescue again..

this past few months, as i said, have been full of itches.. and though i can honestly say that he's not the best person to help me, given that his itch is as much as the itch Hai.. is giving me.. he just makes me laugh and feel stupid bt happy 'bout my great stupidities.. gets nyo?..

magulo gud ulo ko.. makabadtrip.. pero as i said.. he was at the rescue..

it was a wee bit late.. well.. late for me as i have to be home early because of the baby.. and i was crying an ocean (because of somethings i don't wanna talk about pa..)and there he was.. an angel in disguise.. literally.. he was like..

"What's up with you again?"
"same old same old.. what else is new.."
"what'd you do now?"
"expected to be love.. the way you're gf deserves to be.."
"hmmmm"
"why do you guys do that to us?!"
and the frank.est of all answers came..
"because we're guys."

we walked.. and barely talked..

as he usually does..
"want chocolates?"
"because obviously that's the only food left in your fridge.. right?"
" i got beef jerky too.. but i don't recommend you eat it.. i think it's spoiled or something.."
"so why hte hell'd you offer it then???"
"because i know you want it and i wanted you to know i have it." laughs.. and turns to his phone..
"tawagan natin si Pieton"
i went.. "NO! magagagalit lalo yun!"
"he's our friend.. and he has the bestest calm head for an emo chic like you right now!"
as if naman you're not emo.. but what the hell..
so pieton was on the line talking all calm and making me cry again..
"bagay kayo magsama cause you have the same.. erm.. itch going on.."
"really? he's still not done with his stuffs?" as if naman i have the right to be all shocked when I myself am not done with my stuffs..
and as pieton and i were talking pala.. tut was scanning my phone for porn.. which i have.. and i won't deny it.. so what? dba?!
"san ang scandals?!"
i placed my gallery in a very accessible button on my phone..
"easy access dear!"
"maganda toh?"
"i don't know.. i've only but seen it but without the oooohs! and ahhhhs! because i lost my headset."
"well we're in the house and we can put it in full volume.. gusto mo connect natin sa speakers?! lol"
so with the volume maxed.. we listened and watched and were basically bored because we realized we rock better than those in the vids.. we just laughed and shoved the phone and he continued with what he was doing before i bothered him..
he was doing a first season series marathon of which i've already watched hanggang sa season 4.. so i was pretty much talking about what happened the whole time as i was about to freeze to death in the room and that his stupid comforter was good for him only.. grrr.. and brrr..
he went " i'm watchin' you know"
hahahah.. and i saw his phone and scanned through his collection..
"it'll just bore you.. mas updated kapa kesa sakin!"
but i still looked on.. because i don't recognize some of the vidz.
i adjusted the volume and listened on..
"hindi ako maka concentrate jazz"
then stop watching the series ako na kwento para di ka madisturb.. hehehe
sex was never taboo for us..
it was the one sane thing we communicate mostly about..
in short.. na busy ako sa porn that i forgot i was crying oceans just minutes ago..

the good thin bout tut is..
he's a horny friend who won't try anything on you..
or maybe just didn't want to notice the signs..
erm.. like..

him watchin the vids almost over my trunk..
and yes him touching my tummy from the back..

and yes, i know a few good horny men who have pregnant fetishes..
hahahaha.. pero ibang kwento na yun..

needless to say.. as much as porn does something to people like us.. nothing happened.. nothing will happen..

and as i close this blog.. i feel better na.. less emo itch i think..
kaso the truth still remains..

these itches won't end until i decide to end them.. and it'll probably take long pa..
bka next year? or somebody decides to sane up.. hmmm..

scream for me for the mean time..

What's Been Happenin'

So what has been happening with my life..
Let's break it down into:
+ Skye
+ Tut
+ My Board Exam
+ Hai..

------------------------
+Skye+
------------------------

*Going four months..
The first USD was more than a month ago.. saying "hi momma! i'm 10 weeks old!" and i haven't had Skye checked after that.. and i have not had myself checked at all. I read my Maternal and Child Nursing books early this afternoon. That made me rethinking on reading further.
My ever pregnant friends told me not to use this and that.. basically the "kikay" stuffs like facial wash, toner, and other appliques,( and yes, even if it was expensive, Jazz!) but I wouldn't listen. i have a crazy break-out and I Don't want to look ugly, specially now that I'm single and am hunting for Skye's dad-to-be.
That, until I read the book. it was a different book because it was the "IT" book for Skye. The other books I read, I read only because it was more illustrative, and basically no reading occurred. I liked it showing how Skye looks now. Until I read that book.
Another helpful friend sent me a file on alcohol and pregnancy, because I asked if he could accompany me for a "quick" drinking session..
Need less to say, I am not allowed
- to put any topical whats-its unless they are alcohol free (no facial wash/scrub/toner/moisturizer, etc.) because it can result to CNS damage.

- alcohol because it can cause fetal alcohol syndrome, or something like it.. (my kid will be a drunkard even before she/he is born.)
[I can.. somehow.. live with that]
- caffeine/soda/Chocolates because it may contribute to Low Birth Weight.
[darn this.. me loves coffee!!!]
- tight clothings because it can cause deformities and candidiasis..
[supah down side: i don't have enough clothes anymore..]
*Braxton-Hicks Sign present
yeah! I feel the kicks and bloating.. basta yan..
*basically still hidden from the ever judging people that surround me.
it's better that way.. magulo ang mundo..

------------------------
+Tut
------------------------

Well.. he has been the food of my head for the past month.. and no.. we have not done anythign significant for the green-minded.. we do intellectual stuffs.. like crazy early morning or late night talks and debates..
As much as I want him.. I don't.. and everyone i know who understands me and tut's history would say it is impossible that we are just.. erm.. for lack of better word.. FRIENDS.
I met an old friend of ours last saturday at a food joint. I was with a date who I just met because he was the new guy in a group of friends I forgot I had. since he lives near where I live, they designated him as my buddy to go home with. When everybody was on a vehicle to go home and we where left alone together, I quickly made "para" a taxi so we could go home na. But he said.. "coffee muna tayo?!" ..grrr.. me and my weakness for coffee.. free coffee in this case.. so I said "tara! libre ka ha!" "O! bah!" and off we went to that food joint.. that makasalanang food joint for B. .. are you still with me.. this guy is not tut, let's call him tutut.. hehehe..
So tutut and me sat drinking the nth cup of coffee we could muster, when old friend of me and tut walked by and said..
"Monica Sara Arguillas!, payata na nimo oi!"
OO na! payat na ako.. [i'm like skin and bones with nice set of boobs and a slutty hairdo..] I introduced tutut to old-friend and he asked if he's my bf.. i said
"NO"
of course.. as if it was a signal for him.. he went and pinched my cheeks with both his big hands, just like he did when we used to hang out together.. I went and said
"Aray! ganyan din ginawa ni other-old-friend sa akin last sat.. kayo ba! kapayat ko na.. la na kayo makurot pagpilitan nyo parin!"
"nagkikita pa pala kayo?!"
"yup! last sat nga.. kasam c tut and (other old friends)"
"ah! si tut! musta na kayo? nag-evolve kayo? last time nakita ko kayo.. aw..
(he stopped to look at tutut who had a very interested face as if waiting for the word running thru his head to be blurted out by "old friend"..)
.. sayang, bagay panaman kayo, wag ka paloko kay Jazz, di yan inosente!" in a louder volume.
...
Tut on the other hand was texting me on my other number, which I left at home because I wasn't expecting anything.
msgs were:
"san ka. cofi?"
"ei. @ blugre. habol."
"bhay ka. bango ng cofi."
"sarap ng cofi."
all i read when i arrived home well after 4am.. not much of a loss anyway.. kung iisipin mo yung coffee.. 4 ata yung cups ng coffee naubos ko.
and yes, me and tutut are friends lang din. he's too.. erm.. me.. the sad me..
tut on the other hand is the green me.
so i choose the latter.

a better friend in "deed"?!
------------------------
+My Board Exam
------------------------

74.20%
test I = 79%
test II = 69%
test III = 69%
test IV = 74%
test V = 80%

yang test 2 & 3.. i figured they'd be the lowest.. what with Hai..'s text message, dissing and cussing at me.. when i looked into my SMS during break after test 1.. and come to think of it, it was test 3 when I, so pissed about the message, got stuck on a question for 10 minutes or more and when I realized i was "tanga" I shook myself and said "FUCK" in the middle of the board exam room.. hehehe.. so it was a fail..
ang test 5 naman.. i was thinking bagsak din.. i was like *shit.. i didn't study this.. or *WTF! ano ito? .. i guess it I was lucky i had a lot of trust in bersabe that's why i had better scores in it.. THANKS SIR RUELLE!

------------------------
+Hai..
------------------------

hai.. he's.. erm.. back? ..

I'm Happier..

i'm startin' to really dig my life right now..

really..

JOB
i'm passed a job interview wherein i was thinking like a big turn down would be on my way.
i was super nervous and i realized halfway during the interview that i was way over my head thinking i'd get the job because i was doing all sorts of mistakes.
it's as if the my little devil was talking to me saying.. "yeah, you're failing this. you can't pass everything jazz. i told you, over confidence is very sad." and really.. i was arguing with him half the time too. i need this job and i did my best and you can't let one turn down bring you down. they just didn't see what's underneath the.. erm.. morbidity..
then skye did something real nice.. really.. i think skye's a girl.. but i'll not say no to a boy either.. but skye did something with my hormones.. i think.. i was happy, though nervous during the interview.. i loved how i felt.. i wasn't as confident as i thought i would be.. but i think i smiled.. it was a weird feeling.. YES, WEIRD! I DON'T SMILE MUCH THIS DAYS.. i smiled.. wow! i was less panicky or negative.. it was like..

"momma, we need this.. i want you to be happy. today isn't a real nice day for us, but we can't let today bring us down. what would mommy B. say.. she's gonna say you went all morbid again and tell you you're not thinking about me again."

maybe i've been talking to myself too much.. but that day was sperm.donor's birthday.. i was thinking i'll be sad.. but hey! it went all good. it was the best sad day i've ever had.. i never really believe anyone who i talk to on the phone who tell me my voice was nice and pleasing to hear.. or when people say i talk good english or sh*t like that.. but when Mr.Ecky said "you're voice is very nice and pleasing and you're intonation is perfect." i was like.. THANKS! that was all i could say.. AND BOY DID THAT FEEL AND SOUND REAL GOOD!

that's a big bite to those who've been thinking i'm stupid and all talk! grrr you!

FRIENDS
i'm never really good in keeping friends.. i tend to trust to much and that always breaks my heart.. so i trash them just like they did to me.. and i'm left with a very few.. very few but very pressure.. i think i have a great bunch of them that i don't need to look for any anymore.

a simple "MUSTA?!" does suffice.. it's a big big something for a girl like me.. i found out that the ones that i never really thought could understand me were the ones who really did..
that's how i found B. .. (kaw) .. and yes.. she does make me cry an awful lot.. but it's not painful tears.. it's love tears.. a lot of them have sprouted this few months.. because i have had time to spend time with them..

because i always thought "if they are real friends.. kahit di ko cla bgyan ng tym.. ndyan yan.." it's true.. always.. anjan.. but it feels better na kasi we can actually have talks.. not just B. but the other crazy few.. Matet for instance is one of them.. and fLiNcH.. d yan mawawala..hehehe

LIFE PER SE
when you think sad.. you become sad.
i do that often..
and dumating din yung time na..
"kakahiya kanaman.. lagi ka nalang damsel in distress.. PATHETIC!"
i didn't want that..
and that came from me..
i told myself that..
kasi narealize ko.. ako lang naman nagpapahirap sa sarili ko..
i've bee very hard on myself..
LIFE IS UNFAIR.. BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT LOOK GOOD!!

i'm still pessimistic.. because i have a good reason for it..
but i'll just be a happy pessimistic person..
and i'm the first person who puts me down.. and i won't let that happen.. much.. if i could help it..

LOVE
i love skye..
i think skye doesn't like coke..
i'm the coke girl sa amin magkakapatid.. sa amin magbarkada..
pero i have been not liking coke these days..
it's gross..
even a sip, i couldn't take.
i'm more on water nowadays, and i guess it's best that way.
because even though i still don't eat much because i'm getting uber-picky on my food intake.. (i'm picky even without skye) atleast i'm hydrated and my skin shows it.. my wounds (i'm still clumsy) heal quicker.. and my skin is smoother.. darn.. i'm starting to think evul thoughts again..
i usually have smoother skin post-sumthing.. hahaha..

HATE
boys are crap..
atleast skye's father is..
and B.'s bogart is..

why do hot, intelligent, good, and honest women end up with guys like that?!

according to one of our professors.. Women tend to end up with men like that because women love to fix things.. it's a psychological thing..

my bogart bugged me again..

Bogart: Musta ang Bata?!
Me: Sino toh?! (i've)
Bogart: lloyd

(really?)

Me: aw.
and he keeps on asking..
Me: why are you asking?
Bogart: bakit bawal?
Me: (didn't reply.. it is sort of his thing to do this and leave me hanging.. so for a change i'd like to leave him hanging..


grrr.. boys..

I JUST HAVE TO SCREAM THIS!

xet. tangna! lahat ng available at d available na mura..

ang pagsisisi nasa huli..

masarap magrecreate ng scene..

lalo na kung possibleng mangyari pa ulit..

bakit pa kasi..

the signs were showing..

at sinasampal ako ng sangkatutak..

pero ano?!

anong ginawa ko..

leche flan!

sarap siguro kung hinayaang mangyari yun..

saya..

argh!!!

YUn na yun Jazz..

sa sunod.. wag na pa humble..

argh!! at argh pa ng ilang milyong ulit..

badtrip talaga..

nagpaka.anghel ka pa!

wah!

ngayon..

ang susunod na kabanata.. matagal pa..

mga.. tingnan natin.. ilang linggo pa..

maganda na at hanggang muntik..

magpigil ka.. ng konte..

masaya namang isiping maari pang mangyari ulit yun diba?!

sa sususunod..

ipakita mo na ngang demonyo ka..

alam naman nya diba?!

hahaha

--------------

ang list ng mga taong nakakaintindi..

B.

Kyang

Genie

Bem

f.Lhey

f.Cai

f.Myat

f.Pyat

flinch na lang..

Kat

Tet?

at xempre .. kay "tut"

isang nakakatauwang yugto sa mundo kong magulo..

it's basically true..

about me..

Existing Situation
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives her into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.

Got These From this Site

unsent

tama na.. ok?

why the sudden urge to bother me again?!

figure your sh*t out..

i know you have a girlfriend.. kaw pa!

tinolerate ko when you went around f*cking everyone else..

i don't do your thing dear..

i'm getting tired of all your threats..

i can't go out with my friends.. is that what you want?!

i can't put my bestfriends life in danger i'm not that stupid.. i need her and i think i love her more than i love you know.. with what your doing.. and i hope you know that she's not mean like you think she is!

don't go threatening all my friends!

What?! i can't go out and party?!

when you go out and party and do god knows what.. kahit nga d ka nagpaparty..

i've got your sh*t figured out..

all this years.. kilala kita..

and you know i do..

Tang.Na!

stop giving me crap!!

kahit ano kita ka mahal..
i will not tolerate your issues anymore..

bakit?! nung nakikita kita may iba.. do i go and attack your "MAHAL"..
i'm not gonna stoop down to your level..

tama na damage mo oi!

magpakasaya ka na dyan.. let me be..

dun ka sa kanila.. alam ko madami sila..




oo mahal kita..
ako mahal mo ba?!

ang mga taong ganyan hindi pinagaaksayahan ng eksplenasyon

this was a blog from the other blogsite.. closed na toh na account.. kainis.. pinaalala pa kasi ni joots.. NOV.2006 ang date.. di ko maintindihan kung maiiyak ako or mahihiya.. pero sarap maalala kung gano ako katagal naging tanga.. tanga nga ba akong maitututuring.. dahil.. MAHAL na MAHAL ang bigas?! hanggang ngaun.. mahal parin.. pero iba na ang panahon.. di na muna dapat iniisip.. dapat ng ibaling ang atensyon.. dahil ang mga taong ganyan.. hindi pinagaaksayahan ng ekspresyon ng pagmamahal.. yan ang paulit-ulit kong sinsabi sa sarili kong hibang! mahirap magmahal ng taong sa iyo ay walang paki.alam..

http://360.yahoo.com/flinch_jazz

ETO NA..

puchang buhay... pano ka naman magiging msaya kng yung pinaka importanteng tao sa buhay ai.. hinahayaang mahalin cya ng iba.. tapos.. akala mo.. mahal ka nyang talga.. basta.. si raul oh!!

sabi pa nya ala daw yung halaga.. pero syempre di kapanipaniwala.

kitang-kita ng mata.. ang mga pinanggagawa nila..

mahal ka ba nyang talga?

pano ka maniniwala.. halata naman diba...

mahal mo sya..

mahal ka nya..

mahal sya ng iba...

na mahal din nya..

sino bang talga.

daya nyang talga.

pero dahil sabi nya ikaw lang ang talgang mahal nya...

laro lang ang isa..

sabi mo.. "kausapin mo sya at sabihin mo na ako ang mas mahalaga"

sabi pa nya.. "yaw ko masaktan cya, don't think about it muna"

>pucha.. ako? naiisip mo bah? nasasaktan din naman ako ah..

alam ba nya na may syota ka? bakit ang landi nya?

> uhm.. hindi.. hindi napagusapan.. *pagalit na sinabi nya

> eh.. ogag ka pala.. kya pala.. hinyaan mo lang rin cya?

> malayo naman cya.. walang masamang magagawa.. at.. ikumpara mo nga sarili mo sa kanya... ang pangit nya..

> pangit nga.. pinapatulan mo naman.. bkit kailangn mo ba sya?

> kahit kailan hindi ako nahumaling sa kanya.

> kng ganon nga.. ba't may pahalik halik kayo at may pa= i love you pa cya?

> hindi naman talaga halik yun ah.. at nakita mo ba akong nag I LOVE YOU sa kanya?

> ala.. cnu ba namang tanga ang magpapakita.

> ako.. alam mo namang tanga ako diba? kaw na din may sabi nun..

>may tanga bang alam na tanga cya?

> tama na nga... alam mo namang ikaw lang ang mahal ko diba?? wag mo nang atubilin sarili mo sa kanya.. sasabihin ko na sa kanya..

> sabihin mo sa harap ko.

> bakit naman.. pinapahirapan mo ako..

> bakit mahal mo bah sya?

> kaibigan lang tinggin ko sa kanya..

> bkit di mo magawa?

>nakakailang kaya!

> sabihin mo sa kanya.

> sasabihin ko nga..

>kelan pa?

> ndi aabot ng isang linngo..

> sabihin mo.

> opo. mahal ko.

pano toh.. ala pa rin eh.. nagpadala pa naman ng regalo ang isa.. mga bagay na di mo maibigay sa kanya.. lalong naudlot.. at mas mauudlot pa.. dahil parang makikipagkita na sya sa kanya..

iwan mo sya??

nu bah dapat na gawin??

sagutin nyo ha!

She's gone flipside!!!

She's done it again..

B. , as i am to refer to my dear best friend who's been very pre-occupied with her life, may have had her brains flipped..

i talked.. if you call texting a talk.. to her about the things that happened the other day..
about how i did "it" again.. and "it" is something seriously.. uhm.. unbecoming of me..

i don't know if she's just psyching me so i would shut up and make me do what i have to do.. focus and stuffs related to "focusing" or if she's telling me the truth..

what ever she said did a lot of shaking with this messed up brain i own..
she said "love ka man nya. pero di lang sya ready for skye."
and i hate that she said that cause it feels like a false insurance..
and i do have this thing that when somebody tells me something it won't go out of my head.. even if i want it to.. specially if it's from people i care about.. and yes.. i do know how to care..
i so care for her.. and i respect her advices.. argh! and what she said twisted my world even more..

she was always the person against it.. and now.. she's gone flipside..
she's told me all the possible actions from best to last..
so that i can get my mind off the crap i've been bothering myself with..

but it wouldn't be bothering me if it's crap right?! ugh!


----------
i promised myself not to do this type of blogs..

if you can't kill the one you want..

morbid day..

hah!
i guess that's the reason i didn't get the job i had for my first choice..
Janeli kept warning me.. "Don't be morbid." or "Liven up."
but i.. am.. morbid..
that morbid i guess..

i never really thought about it until she said that..
until i asked her how she can say that about me..

she went on to explain..
every single topic we talk about would end up morbid because of me..
i am pessimistic.. and so is she..
but i am not goth.. or atleast that's what i understand about the goths..

i haven't loss my faith in life.. that it can be beautiful..
maybe i just don't think about beauty that much nowadays..
don't ask why.. that's a very long story..
i don't get it.. really..
i didn't go on yapping about death during the interview..
it did take a lot of control though..
maybe it showed nonverbally..
grrr...

now i'm beginning to think..
have my blogs been morbid?!
i went to check.. HAH!!

and guess what..
it's not morbid..
it's just angry..

i get the feeling i just dug a whole for me to be buried in..


i'm in the library of my dad's house..
they're watching CSI: Las Vegas
my back's against the tv so i'm not really watchin'

if you can't kill the one you want.. kill the one you're with..

that's the first line that caught my attention..
and that made me feel worst..

i forgot i got my skye..
and i fear she's/he's gonna go morbid as the momma..
specially cause i've been very angry and depressed lately..

it's sad to know though..
that the only thing i can think of to relieve me of this dark mess..

is something i know i can't have..
but i still wish to have..

it's just that "G. pa rin ako." thing..

i feel so helpless about..
and that explains this thing i think..

really..

this is a love letter..
hahaha..

i have to go home..
skye's doing something weird again..

my room..

weee.. my room is much more pretty na!

it's the way i pictured it..
although it's not that done yet.. but it's improved..
ready na xa para kay skye in a sense..

light..
blinking and glowing ones..

it's a bit messy still..
but it's the way it should be..
atleast i can find my stuffs within the mess..

i don't know where to put skye there though..
it's a bit cramped..
tas matakot ako mahulog xa like what happened to toph..
he fell from the double decker last week and again early this morning from his bed..

it was a loud..

BOOG!
wah! wah! waH! mama! mamy!

i got all shaken up coz skye was doing something weird!
like stiffening too much na it hurts and i went all tachycardic!!
like my heart was pumping 400 times more.. pumping adrenalin to my body..
hahahaha
honestly..
it was much more scary than the kikiks gammy and lhey talked about..

damn them..
speaking of kikiks..

it made a big mark on the upcoming samal escapades..
madami daw dun?!
hai.. sayang..

edit ko lang to later..
i'm a bit beat up..

.skye.thorn.smoke.eden.wings.

everything in one book..
darn..

i have been dreaming of you for the past days..

it was always the.. back to the old days dream..
nung mga araw na ala ka magawa.. at ibang makita kundi ako..
hahaha..
pathetic..
god i f*ckin' miss you..

and you go txtn me out of the blue that you miss me too..

but you go again with the dissing and throwing me away like i was some old rubbish you couldn't stand..

and there goes my support system..

i hope you know..
that the one person you hate most in my life..
the one bestfriend who's been keeping me sane..
said things that shocked me..

damn it..

sabi pa nya sana maayos to..
kasi skye deserves a father..
and na we have to patch this up..

coz she doesn't want me keeping skye from you!


because i was so f*uckin' pissed off with you that i told her you won't see even skye's shadow and anyway.. you don't believe in skye..

i didn't expect that from her..
but i always thought she was well above me..
and you hate her.. and want to kill her..

ala ka na nga sa life ko..
ala ka na kay skye..
and you want her out of my life too?!

you want me to go crazy..
beyond repair?!
how crazy do you want me to be..

you are as free as air to flow..
hinayaan kita to do everything..


the few friends that i want to have for myself.. you wish gone..



can't you see how good and forgiving my friends are..

they are but a few..

because the one friend i thought who'd be the best among them turns his back on me.. leaving me alone..

go on.. do your thing..


and

sana.. you can produce a straight answer..
you always turn deaf and mute when i ask you what you want.. from me..

hahaha..
suyaa atoh na tx oi..
you wake up dawn..
you get a msg from the person you're waitin' but hatin' to text..
and..
you don't know if it was cowpoop..

endless?!

and the cycle goes on..

this one's for you..

you know who you are..
happy now?!

we both have an issue between us we have to find a solution to..

i know what i want.
i know what you want.

d ko alam kng ano at alin dun sa mga lumabas sa bibig natin ang dapat
pairalin..

we both know the sane parts of it..
you agreed with it too..

pero alam mo na just saying the few bits of words..
although di mo alam ano yun..
would end this turmoil.

matalino ka..
magulo lng isip mo..

d ko man alam kung maicp mo na sa akin ka..
pero kung indi man..
dli man ko mamugos..

k nahihirapan din ako intindi..

kilala bitaw kita..

libog au imong utok..

sabi ka lang gud kung anhin toh..
disregard me sa decision..

k if you want this..
d man ako magpalag..

kng gusto mo.. at masaya ka sa decision mo..

sus..
d kita pahirapan..

KELAN BA KITA PINAHIRAPAN?!

endless man din..


mag.decide ka para makadecide ako..

and kung ndi na tlga xa magwork for you..

sabihan mo ako asap.

tas delete mo num ko after..

shut.off mo na lang ako sa mundo mo.

i'd appreciate it..


pero yung last na usapan/iyakan..
kng ano man cnabi ko dun..
yun tlga yun..

naicp ko man na ganun reaction mo..
di ko lang naready sarili ko na mag.agree ka..


it's either we're in this together..
or not..

sabihin mo lang..

alam mo man na hindi ako manhid..

tama na ui.. mahaba na ito.. mura bayag endless pud ang character ani..

ingat lagi.

you keep buggin' me.. you can't not have me.. and you can't lose em either.. ok.. i compromise.. coz i'm not selfish. i don't wanna be the bad one..

you know the deal.. i don't make you choose over me and your barkada unless you go gangstah and playah again.. and you tell me what the **** is happenin' when somethin' is happenin' .. you say yes..

the thing is.. magaling ka lang kung tayo lang.. pero kung andyan sila.. you wanna show them na kaw ang boss.. yes you are the boss of yourself.. but you go overboard..

i let you have your barkada.. eventhough they talk sh*t bout me and call me names.. ok.. you go callin' every other b*tch pet names.. twas ok.. but really honey.. it's so old news..

but you don't let me have my barkada.. it's always "anu ginagwa nyo?" .. i don't do what you do.. if that's what you mean.. i don't go doing anyone when they offer me whatever they offer me.. AND I DON'T HELL WANNA KILL ANYONE WHO CALLS ME NAMES!!

you don't go pointing your gun on my friends.. atleast do me that favor.. you and your friends have called me worst names than anyone.. but i don't go and pull a gun or attack them just because they did..

you're getting low.. and you're better than that..
i know you and some of your friends are..

you want me to back off them.. pwede.. as long as you do your part..

and i you know i know you know what i'm talkin' about..

you push me away and pull me back everytime you feel threatened..

it can't always be that way

wah! modelling as a career?! definitely..

someone ask me if i was interested.. ofcourse.. who isn't?!

but he was fraudish.. and i ain't fallin for his crap.. and he was the one who got pissed?! a.hole! azif!


anyways..
watched gg ep.14.. i believe i am the first of my gg friends who's seen it.. coz if they've already seen it.. they'd be all the buzz of it.. hahaha..
although i hated it for not being by the book at first.. i can't help it.. chuck bass was as horny.ish as i thought he was.. and he has the right to be..

i can't stop thinking of him.. ooops.. B. should be doing the "wet dreams" blog about him.. coz S. is for D. .. hahaha..

-=flight of ideas mode=-

my b-day is coming up.. i'm not really excited about it.. coz.. it's a busy day.. a very busy day.. got review..

wedding vows much?!

oi..

new found freedom..

my friends are coming out..
pooping.. i mean.. popping everywhere..

it's like..
i feel mucho loved now..
the one thing they hate.. or.. not like.. about me..
is gone..

new page..

dami na boys..
dami palang boys noh..
kala ko kasi..

hahaha

emo nanaman..

cut it..

+++++

dear..
you make me laugh.. though sometimes ununderstandably senseless..
you flatter me with your presence..
you are mine..

i don't want to add words..
because i find them incapable of explaining what you do to me..
you breadth life.. to my death..
and your loss will be mine too..

you should know you blow my mind..
it's a bliss when i'm with you..
you make my cry with happiness..
you make me sway like the wind..
free.. floating.. light..

you keep me sane..
or you've made me too crazy..
crazy for you?! (mush)
you lassoed me..
tied me down..
to your world..
to our world..
you make me feel incapable of writing something..
you are beyond words..
this i feel..
is beyond comparison..

you..

are..

my life..


and i can't thank you enough for being my anchor..
my gravity..
my everything..


i can't stop..
i wanna stop..
i said no more words..

but there's just too much to say about you..
i can't put to words..

i want you..
want you..
YOU!!


and you alone..

Pilot

re-read my damned posts last year.. it's a good thing i don't remember my password.. i miss blogging.. but i don't miss my old blogs.. haha.. crazy me..

but hey.. what the heck..

I'm Back.. i'm less crazy.. but more psycho.. or not.. i don't really know.. you go figure it out..

*************

My eyes are hurting.. I haven't earned enough sleep for my escapades this past days..

of the 72 hours.. 10 hours have been dedicated to sleep..

My ass is hurting and freezing.. i've been sitting on this chair for uhm.. 6 hours screwing with the net.. and messing myself even more by rereading my said old blogs.. with the AC in full just beside me..

My bladder is somewhat.. uhm.. hurting.. b'cause the urge to pee just isn't as strong as the urge to hold it in..

dang.. I'm starting to act like a bum.. good thing I've got class next week.. i really have to get myself going..

going.. meaning.. going home.. and getting busy..

*************

this is my life.. i have earned the right to mess with it..